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Teodora Maria

Viewing life as a series of experiments rather than a list of shoulds or musts do.

Too comfortable for discomfort

Thinking and over thinking is not a solution. But nor is avoiding or ignoring the dissatisfactions in your life.

I’m a person who likes comfort. But discomfort makes me uncomfortable enough to give up comfort for a while and do something about the discomfort.

Fear-based decisions

In my everyday life, I work as an accountant, and the past few weeks have been the busiest weeks of the year.
During this period I saw how important it is to work with people you can count on. I did have people I can count on in the company I work for, but I couldn’t count on the person who works for me. We’ve been working together for about eight months and I kept hoping that things will get better.
The thought of starting from the beginning with someone new made me feel overwhelmed, unsure, and I kept avoiding to let her go.
But it’s a fear based decision.

Fear-based decisions are the worst kinds.
They keep you stuck in a situation that you see no improvement of, that does have a way out, but you don’t get out of it because of an imagined possible worst case scenario.
In most cases, the things that you imagine and keep you stuck will never happen. They only exist in your head.
The french philosopher Michel Montagne ironically said:

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It’s the same thing with fear based decisions.
The reality is sweeter than our scary dreams. Things are much simpler and have a better ending than what we fear might happen. All we need to do is take the steps to resolve them, one by one.

Perfectionism is a human flaw 

Haven’t written for a while. I’d apologize but I don’t have anyone to apologize to.

Then, again, maybe I don’t want to apologize to anyone. Because I have the freedom to write when I want.

Not that I didn’t want to write. Maybe, I should apologize to myself. I didn’t give myself what I wanted – the time to write and finalize a blog post ready to be published.

Perfectionism. I’ve had some thoughts on perfectionism lately.
I’ve had this idea come into my mind lately. That perfectionism has always been the aim, the purpose, what I thought is the final destination.
It’s rather a fata morgana. An illusion.
God doesn’t demand it and He hasn’t made us with the aim for us to be perfect. He made us to be human.
We are the ones who created this unachievable and illusory target called perfection.
Perfectionism is a human flaw.

Nice or well?

Sometimes you want to be a nice person, and you end up working against yourself and being the one who has to lose.

It’s possible that all this nice act might happen because you want to be seen the way you think you are.
But no matter how good of an opinion you have of your level of kindness, a time comes when you put everything in balance.

Which loss will I accept? What weights more?
The loss in the way the other person sees me? Or the loss of my comfort and well being?

In the situation I am now, I reached the point where the discomfort is so uncomfortable that I’ll take being seen as not so nice, maybe even selfish.

If I knew

If I knew what it’s like to have a blog, I would’ve started earlier.

If I knew … I would’ve …

It looks like this is one of the memes of my life.

If I knew it wasn’t such a disaster to leave, and that I could (and did) survive very well, I would have left earlier.
If I knew it wasn’t that hard, I would have started earlier.
If I knew it wasn’t that easy and that it’d take some time to get used to it, I would have started earlier. And I’d have been further along the way by now.

You can always stop if you don’t like something. But you can never go back in time to start earlier.

Here

During my years in the cult, I had the mindset that this life doesn’t matter and what’s important is the next life.
I kept postponing living and kept dreaming: in paradise, I’ll do this or that.

Most of my dreams weren’t undoable things. And they weren’t morally wrong, either. I could’ve at least give them a try.
Then, at some point, this question came to my mind: what if I do now the things I dream of doing “there”?

If you think about it, the next life is just an extension of this one. We don’t have two lives; there is no “other life.”
One person has one life, extended or not.
And since life is one and me there will still be the me here, why was I pushing my dreams for some other time in future?

Why did I want an everlasting life since I didn’t fully use, nor enjoy, the trial version?
How about doing now and here the things I want and can do. Because every moment of life matters, regardless of where it unfolds.

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