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Teodora Maria

Technology scary thrills and other fears

Gmail has just given me a scary thrill. They locked me out of my account. They say normally it’s going to be resolved in one hour, very rarely the problem will last up to 24 hours.
Let’s pray and hope it is so.
This never happened to me before.
I suspect it is an application I’ve tried to use with google, the application is called zapier, it can trigger automatic emails and this is what I was trying to do, to have an automatic email sent to someone who books an appointment in my calendar.
And since I have an hour to spare until I wait to see if Gmail gives me my email account back, I thought of writing a blog post, on my blog which I’ve been avoiding lately like … Ok, maybe not avoiding it like it has some kind of disease or something, but at least trying to ignore …
The reason … I don’t know exactly. Or maybe I do. Actually, there are two.
Indecision about if I should find a “niche” for my blog or not if I should blog with a purpose or not. I don’t want to focus and I don’t want a niche. I’ve done a course on blogging from the heart and there was an idea with I liked a lot: your blog is the magazine of you. Love this idea, and this is what I want my blog to be: the magazine of me. It focuses on what I’m interested in, and I’ve written the main things I’m interested in on my about page. Just reread it and the three bullet points on my about page encompass exactly my main interests.
The second reason is that I have this fear of having people who know me in real life read my blog. And since I’ve already started this blog post talking about weird applications, I’ll add another one: Instagram. I created a separate account for my blog, with a link to this website on my profile. And guess what, people who know me in real life keep requesting to follow me. I suspect the application is reading my contacts on my private facebook account. No idea how it does this since it’s a totally different email. Or it might read information on my phone. Even from other applications. The world we live in … can’t keep something from anyone. You start a private blog, (highlight on private) and your acquaintances are prompted by social media to visit it. I know, if I want something private, I shouldn’t publish it on the internet. It’s true, but the truth is, I do want people to read my blog, but not the people who know me.
And the third reason why I haven’t posted … Oh, did I say there were just two reasons? Well, no, there were actually three and the third one, the one I didn’t want to talk about might actually be the true one: I didn’t take pictures of those traditional brooches that are given to women on the 1st and 8th of March, as I promised in my post on the 1st of March.
And in the meantime of writing this long post, probably my longest post by now, Gmail has granted me access to my email account. Thank God, thank gmail and let’s hope it won’t happen again.

Indecision limbo

I’m floating in the limbo of indecision.

The worst thing about it is that it makes me lose my time. I don’t know what to do, so I don’t do anything important to me.

It might be the wrong mindset.

Maybe it’s not decide, then do. Maybe it’s do, then decide.

You need to try things out before you decide. Otherwise, you decide without having the most important information: do you like the option you chose or not?

Before spring

Here in my country people celebrate the first of March. It’s a sort of combination celebration. The first day of spring with a celebration of women. Women get flowers and some sort of brooches that have a red and white threads attached to them. Not sure what they mean but we might be the only country in the world that celebrates the coming of spring this way. I’ll take some pictures of those brooches with the white and red thread and share them in the next post.

Ah, and on the first of March is my mother’s birthday, too.

Blogging

There are times when I feel a sort of anxiety about writing on this blog. I secretly hope nobody who knows me reads it. And if they do, I hope they don’t know it’s me.
It’s strange to write what’s on your mind on the internet, knowing that anyone, anytime, can read it.
Strange, yet interesting.
And I like throwing my thoughts in the ether of this virtual web.
I’d go even more honest and uncensored.
I noticed I don’t really like worrying about a purpose of a post, or about a structure.
If it were up to me, this blog would be kind of chaotic. But I guess it is up to me, so maybe that’s the way it’s going to be. Who knows? We’ll wait and see.

Mind pattern

Not sure what this blog is about. Is it about me? Can I do that, have a blog about myself?
It’s about my thoughts. That’s something I’d love to do. Just write about whatever I think. It’s the way I’d like this blog to be. And the kind of blog I’d feel most comfortable writing.
I’d prefer to write in a mixture of English and my native language.
How many people could understand what I write in that case? Probably just a few. But it’s ok with me. I’d like to be unseen.

Unseen but expressed.

I remember when I was in secondary school, I wanted so much to be able to write in such a way that if anyone (mostly my father) would find my diary, they couldn’t understand it.
I tried to learn the Cyrillic alphabet. But then I found out he knew it, and I gave up the plan of having a secret alphabet.
I became a little paranoid about him reading my diary. Because I knew he did read it. Once or many times, I don’t know.
What I do know is that for a while he kept quoting from it.

I never thought about this before, but I think … is it possible that this is one of the reasons why I can’t write in my native language? It’s strange that even if English is not my first language, I only began learning it when I was 12, yet, I keep wanting to use this language when I write. Could this be it?
I often considered myself as being in between languages. There are things that come in my mind in English, and I know that they mean but I can’t find a similar expression in my mother tongue. Then, there are many words in English I don’t know, and I need to search for them. I can’t express myself with ease and completely freely in English, either. But that’s because of a lack of knowledge. With the other language, it has to do with deeper issues.

With the other language, it has to do with deeper issues.
And it’s interesting to see how issues come out from the depth of your mind when you write about them.
I did think in the past that that could be the reason why I stopped writing and didn’t even have a diary for a long time.
But I never thought that it could be the reason why I keep trying to write in English even if it’s not as easy for me as it’d be to write in my language.
When a pattern from the subconscious mind comes to the surface, it’s always a joy to identify. I love it. And I’ll do more of these streams of writing thoughts.

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